get over yourself to get things done
"Ah, so when is she going to be done?"
I was now worried 'cause it'd been hours since I last offered help ("it's fine, I got it"). At the time, I agreed and just went on to the gajillion other things I had
to do as release coordinator. This meant
aligning cross-collaborating teams across the org to ensure timely
delivery of our flagship product upgrade, driving end-to-end coordination
of release milestones and stakeholder alignment.
This year's release was surprisingly drama-free and we were almost done with it. Was just left with one pending PR, hers.
Now past noon and with a few hours left to get this out, I sighed, disregarded J. Cole's imperative, and reached out once again. I offered to share screens and walk through it together. This time she said yes, probably realising that delaying any longer would mean stalling all other release pipelines for more than 24 hours (100s of PRs stalled, and counting).
The call was pretty kaZH: we spoke for a bit, and looked through TypeScript code at the deprecated interface she was trying to remove. While rubber ducking, she figured out the solution after I shared some more context she was missing[1]. We fusion-ha!'d contexts and the solution was trivial—she fixed it in like 5 mins. We e-hi-fived, and I was finally unblocked to continue the full release process happily ever after[2].
While waiting for cloud builds, I mulled over what had happened. At first, I assumed she was busy with other tasks but from what she mentioned on the call, that was not the case. She was wrestling with this for most of the day!
I started making connections: the way she was overly apologetic in the Teams thread for things that didn't warrant any, and that she had joined the company a little over 6 months ago. After all, this had been me when I first joined as well. I asked if she wanted my thoughts and shared with her. Now, here they are, unsolicited, for you.
Her stalling had nothing to do with competence. She was obviously smart, and maybe over-identifying with that was part of the problem. The fix itself was trivial, but it required context she didn't have and couldn't have had on her own. Best move was to ask for help earlier.
Your sense of identity as a competent person can get tied to the task you're handling. In her mind it might've seemed like she was working on one thing but that's not actually true. There were really two goals.
Goal A: I need to solve the deprecated interface removal problem to unblock the major release.
And an insidious one working against it:Goal B: I need to prove that I'm competent and worthy to be part of this team.
These two goals aren't always opposed. But often, especially when you're new to something, Goal B gets in the way of whatever Goal A is. You're so keen on proving yourself that you forget to ask for help because in some relatable but twisted way, asking for help feels like admitting you don't know what you're doing.
I wonder if we do not waste most of our energy just by spending every waking minute saying hello to ourselves
-Annie Dillard
In my colleague's case, no one was keeping score, we just needed it done. But I get it. I was one of the handful of Africans my company had hired to the Americas before the pandemic, and the urge to prove myself ran deeper than just new-job nerves. Sometimes I'd spend a looong time on problems that a 10-minute conversation could've unblocked. It comes from a good place but it's exhausting.
I mostly got over myself but still trip up sometimes, especially with newer ventures. Still, it's worth remembering what's going on: that you don't have to prove anything, especially when it comes at a cost. Lose yourself to the task at hand.
I retreat — not inside myself, but outside myself, so that I am a tissue of senses
-Annie Dillard, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek